Okay. Let me say it.
I dislike having to hear or think about people having open relationship, or having hook-ups or casual sex.
There.
I know, I’m totally unqualified to say that it’s bad or wrong or whatever, because I have never been in any kind of romantic relationship, so let’s just say that I dislike them. Including stories inside novels, manga, manhwa, manhua, whatever, any stories that I read or watch or listen to. I’m not actually sure what makes me feel so horrible about it, honestly.
I enjoy reading comics, novels, et cetera. And it includes for example, romance stuff, wether it is heterosexual or homosexual romance, I read them all if it was interesting enough in the first chapters. However, when I saw or read, for example, the main character, whether male or female, doesn’t matter, having sex with just anyone then with anyone else, without any strong reason why, it made me feel so uncomfortable and when it went too much, sometimes I couldn’t bear it and forced to stop reading more.
I know that having sex is anyone’s own right. But for me it just makes them (the character in the stories), cheap, slutty, and somehow I can’t take them seriously anymore. Especially in a ROMANCE setting, being cheap and easy like that just put me off so much.
Even sometimes, a character, for example, gets asked out by someone, and accepts it just because they aren’t currently dating anyone, without any reason or connection with the one who asked it to begin with, it just makes me feel so uncomfortable. ‘Why are you comfortable going out with a total stranger?’, I thought. And when they ask for sex with you, are you just going to answer ‘yeah, sure let’s do it’? I don’t know why but it pained my heart. Extremely so.
If it was porn, smut, or something of that nature, which story only or mostly contains sex that used to spark lust, or just to be used as a masturbation material, I was totally fine with something like that, or even worse, an orgy or sex with total strangers, I totally don’t mind it at all for some reason. I don’t know why, but the basic idea felt so different.
Maybe I am just a huge romanticist. Maybe I just want to see the character in the story to be faithful, to not sell their body and emotions for nothing, and gain happiness with their love. Maybe this is also why I totally hate NTR stories (NTR – short from netorare 寝取られ — cuckold). Maybe because I truly believe that sex is the most intimate thing someone can do in a romantic relationship, and not something to do with strangers.
I totally understand that we, as a human, has a natural force to have sex called lust. Something that our creator, or evolution forced into ourselves. Something some people, that believes in some kind of cults see as a totally wrong and bad thing. No, having lust, desire to have sex is something innocent I believe. It’s just a natural reaction, or something natural happening in our body and mind. It’s something that we aren’t in control of.
No, I am not saying that wanting to have sex with a minor, for eaxmple, is right. But maybe it’s something that pedophiles can’t control. Just like all of us. I’m not a pedophile, just to be clear. What I wanted to say is, people can be totally attracted to something and don’t know why they like it. For me, I think beautiful vaginas and penises are totally sexy and arousing. Wide hips, nice butts are sexy and muscular bodies are sexy and attractive too. Feeling reactive or attracted to them is not something that I can control. I like what I like, even before realising the fact that I like it. And everyone else’s the same, I think!
But… I still think that having sex with just anyone is totally wrong. My conscience doesn’t accept it, and my heart and mind totally reject the idea of casual sex or any kind of sex with strangers or someone unknown. It just… disgust me for some reason. I am sorry if you, who are reading this text wall, involved or enjoying casual sex or hook-ups, felt offended by this. So please, if you can explain the reason why it’s good, or why I should never feel disgusted by it, not only because casual sex ‘feels good’, do explain to me. I mean, maybe sex based on romantic relationship, or at least with someone you know feels good too. Or masturbating should feel good too. I totally don’t understand what’s nice about entrusting and giving all your body and mind to a total stranger that you’re not sure will do what, or pass what to you just for you to ‘feel good’. And after that they leave you as fast as they came. If someone is nymphomaniac or has some problems that requires sex often that their partner can’t fulfil, then I’m sorry, maybe it’s kind of acceptable to a certain extent for those people.
….maybe I just highly value emotional connection between people and couldn’t compromise on it. Or maybe I’m just too serious with everything and can’t accept casual things.
Again, I totally don’t understand why people could be that comfortable with something like that.
“Please go out with me!” ; “Sure, I’m not going out with anyone else anyway.” (even though this is the first time I met you)
“Hey handsome/beautiful, wanna do it?” ; “Sure, let’s do it,” (even though this is the first time I met you)
or “That sex was great, stranger. Bye.” (even though it was enjoyable and you were gentle and beautiful/handsome, making me want to be something more that stranger)…. I mean, UGH. If it was a porn or something pornographic in nature, sure, it would be hot and interesting to have beautiful/handsome strangers enjoying it together. But there’s a reason it’s called pornographic. Because it’s just fiction to stimulate and excite the brain momentarily for a specific reason (e.g. masturbation). It’s not something to be done in real life, in my opinion. The consequences would far be too great. Some risk in physical health (STDs and unwanted pregnancy for example), but far more devastating mentally. I’m sure there are much more regrets about ‘why did I‘ or ‘I wish I hadn’t had casual sex with him/her‘ than ‘why didn’t I have casual sex with him/her when I got the chance‘. I think can crush self confidence as it made us think “My worth is only my genitalia and sex, no one wanted to be with me for truly me. They only wanted me for sex only,”, and when it deep rooted in the mind, how difficult would it be to try change that mindset.
Maybe this thought has wandered for far too long.
But still, am I feeling like this because of my past, being sexually abused as a child by someone I didn’t know? Is it some of the trauma left behind by that painful experience I wished never happened? I don’t know.
One thing is for sure though. I’d rather be alone until I die, than to have casual sex with just anyone. I know I’m not handsome, beautiful, attractive, hot, or whatever. I’m not interesting or smart either. But… I still don’t want make myself a “free living dildo” or “free living anal fleshlight” for strangers to use. I don’t want to value myself as disposable living sex toy. I’m not cheap and worthless disposable sex toy! I’m not just a sex tool! I’m a human who has feelings too.
I hope I can do so. I hope I can win against the natural urges that evolution or god gave to me. This cursed urges. Sometimes I hate it so much I want to die just to get rid of it. It made me kinda understand why some people love using drugs so much, the endorphine rush is just too powerful to ignore, causing the absence of it to be rather uncomfortable, or even painful.
I’m so sleepy and tired when I wrote this. Maybe this post is unreadable and doesn’t make any sense. But at least now I feel a little better, letting all these random thoughts about casual sex out from that tiny bottle in my mind. I should rest for today. I need to work long hours starting tomorrow, and I hate it so much. Why is it so tiring and difficult just to keep the life I never even asked in the first place. Aah, if only dying is not that painful…
Edit 23 May 2022 @ 19:03 PM GMT+7: At that point in time, I haven’t learnt and absorbed properly the meaning of “promiscuity” and/or “promiscuous man/woman”. I could have worded everything better if I knew that word before I wrote all of this. Hahaha 😂 I just learnt words promiscuity, promiscuous probably the day or few days after I wrote this, actually. And I can say this confidently: I still hate promiscuity, and I am having difficulty respecting promiscuous men and women. I hate people that did it often with someone they barely know/strangers (promiscuous, hooking up, open relationship, or anything that changes partners often; I found them disgusting. I read it’s because of natural human evolution: having sex with strangers can lead to potentially dangerous situation: deadly STD, unhygienic person, diseased, etc; which our ancestor probably encountered and possibly passed down to our genetics. Just like when we feel disgusted with rotting food, or insect larva– which hinting food that is absolutely not fine for us to eat.). I don’t think I mind too much about polygamous/polyamorous relationship (whether men or women), friends with benefits, etc, because they’re (hopefully) in a concensual relationship and they don’t change partners indiscriminately (compared to promiscuity). Though it doesn’t mean the people themselves are always respectable. When I heard about an old man who has many wives, from older to younger women, I feel that it’s still not nice and feel kind of sad thinking about the women, because I heard they have not much power/input about her/their husband bringing new women to join his harem/polygamous relationship. So awful, I think. If I ever have a lover, I would definitely be super selfish– that person is mine and mine only, and I definitely am not willing to share that person’s love with another person… I wonder how every person’s opinion living in a polygamous relationship.